Let’s start with the conclusion and work backwards: Puppies are awesome, get one. The nuance: My god are they hard work. No one tells you the reality of owning a puppy, just the logistics.
If you accept now that they will change your life in ways you haven’t yet realised then it’s less of a shock when they do.
The Big Man in the main photo is my six-month old Border Terrier, Billy.
Billy is a hero amongst dogs. There is no thing, person, puppy or situation that he can not and will not turn into a game. This is endearing but does make for a fairly intense homelife. You may (/will) find yourself at 10pm pausing the climactic battle between the Targaryen dragons and White Walkers for the 19th time as Count Dogula is desperately pulling at your trouser leg to play fetch.
The background of my Zoom calls often resembles a Fisher Price war zone. Brightly coloured toys lie strewn across the floor as the Master of Puppies carefully picks his way from beaten up stuffed toy to shredded packaging remains, finishing off the survivors, while I am forecasting next year’s figures. But he is happy and, crucially, he is occupied, for he does not intend to forcibly enter my quarterly budget meeting. Yet.
It’s impossible to be angry at someone who’s motives are so pure. Everyone should live their life like my Notorious D.O.G. and approach every scenario in life using the same singular flow diagram: Can I turn this into a game? He’s not angry and he’s not aggressive. In fact, he loves life so much, so hard, that everything must be stopped to play.
Perhaps this is my route to being a millionaire; write Marie Kondo-style self-help happiness book using The Billy Ethos.
So, here’s the reality about owning a puppy that no one else tells you
Yes, you will be up four times a night toilet training. Yes, you will go on walks three times a day. Logistically, everything you read about puppy training is true, but it’s the emotional reality that they don’t tell you about:
- ‘The fear’ will stop you going out
- You will no longer watch a TV program from start to finish
- Popping to the shops doesn’t happen – all food needs to be bought in advance
- All video calls will have an underlying element of jeopardy to them
- Free time is gone
What is ‘the fear’?
Let me explain:
You won’t go to any restaurants for a year. Sure, many places allow dogs. But it’s the fear that stops you going. The fear that this is the day he forgets his toilet training. The fear he will decide to bark the restaurant down. Everyone will turn to look at you and the Barker of Seville who has picked today to start tearing it up under the table.
Socialising your puppy when they are young is essential. It will make things easier as they grow old. But every dog has its day.
You’ll go to the pub less – the fear stops you – and you certainly won’t have more than two pints. For me, this is devastating. It’s also significantly healthier but if I wanted a healthier life I would have taken up jogging. And continued to go to the pub anyway. You will need to take a fully armoury of treats, chews, toys and distractions to placate and sedate your puppy, while the old geezer propping up the bar stares at you for going massively overboard with your dog. It’s for your benefit, mate.
You won’t go to the cinema anymore. Obviously.
That free time you used to have? Dog walks. Dog training. You’ll get maximum enjoyment from it, but you won’t get your washing up done.
It’s worth it
You should definitely get a puppy.
A puppy will enhance your life in ways that you won’t imagine, but the reality is you’re not adding someone to your existing life, you are completely and radically overhauling it.
That process of having your old life taken away from you can be hard if you’re not expecting it.